The Truth about Goats
Despite ‘not actually’ auditioning for Episode VII, the MEP for South East England has taken pre-emptive steps to obviate any possibility of him starring in the sci-fi blockbuster. A UKIP spokesman said: ‘Knowing full well the love and admiration with which the British people hold Mr. Farage, it was only a matter of time before Hollywood came a calling. Just for the record, Mr. Farage would also like deter any suggestion that he becomes the new manager of Man. Utd, the new face of Yardley or the next Messiah’.
Political commentators had assumed the latest film in the franchise would star Mr. Farage purely because ‘he seemed to be appearing in everything else at the moment’. Mr, Farage is already on the record expressing his ‘concern’ that humble Tatooine farmers were becoming disposed by Polish-speaking Sandmen and cheap Bulgarian Jawas. Despite evidence pointing towards Stormtrooper involvement, he is convinced the deaths of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were caused by cheap EU droid imports, with malfunctioning ‘motivators’. Speaking to a packed pub, he explained that Mos Eisley had become inundated with immigrants, a ‘wretched hive of scum and villainy’.
Lucasfilm executives have indicated that ‘no formal approach’ had been made to Mr. Farage, but confirmed Ed Milliband would reprise his role as Jar Jar Binks. Meanwhile Mr. Farage says he will also not stand in Newark by-election despite Tory MP Patrick Mercer being barred from Parliament – having been caught during a Commons debate saying ‘…these aren’t the questions you’re looking for’. An assistant to Director JJ Abrams is quoted as saying: ‘While we don’t know who Mr. Farage is, we do acknowledge he clearly lives in galaxy far far away.’