The Truth about Goats
With the threat of industrial action still imminent many of the UK’s judiciary have taken to ‘racketeering’, selling ‘get out of jail free’ cards and indiscriminate ‘wig larceny’. In order to support their justice ‘habit’, barristers now offer a range of bespoke services including the ‘kidnapping of witnesses’, the ‘forging of sentences’ and ‘pole dancing with a difference’.
Typical courtroom advocacy has been replaced by standing on a soap box, with a fake ‘cockney patter’, selling ‘knocked off electrical goods’. Pupillage now entails six months of shadowing senior practitioners on series of ‘house breaks’, ‘muggings’ and ‘stealing the lead off church roofs’. One trainee lawyer, suffering from a ruptured colon, admitted to being used as a drug mule to smuggle a dozen ‘illicit gavels’ into Chambers.
Police report increasing numbers of High Court Judges lurking by bus-stops intimidating elderly travellers. Stenographer attest to seeing one barrister offering a ‘10% discount on perjury’ to any member of the House Of Commons, Disc Jockey from the 1970s or member of the cast of Coronation Street. The penal system is so woefully underfunded that many criminals have been forced to conduct their own trials – or The Leveson Enquiry as it is known in laymen’s terms.