The Truth about Goats
The artist formerly known as Jordan, or the Hashemite Kingdom of Transjordan, traumatised the UK by announcing her plans to get divorced. As has been well-documented, Ms. Price’s commitment to the sanctity of marriage has always been the bedrock on which British stability was built. It is incomprehensible that her Facebook relationship status might change; in the same way we always expect the sun to rise in the sky, the Sun newspaper to descend into the sewer and Top Gear to be a little bit racist.
Members of the public displaying symptoms of shock have been advised to sit down with a strong cup of tea, put their feet up and read a copy of Heat magazine. In the words of Shakespeare – ‘She was constant as the Northern Star…if the Northern Star had been a little less Northern and a little more Porn-ish’.
Scientists and fortune-tellers were left stunned by her announcement. One tarot reader commented: ‘How could we have got the signs so wrong? With relationships with footballers Teddy Sheringham, Dwight Yorke, singers Gareth Gates, Dane Bowers, Peter Andre, Ace from Gladiators, model Leandro Penna and cross-dressing cage fighter Alex Reid – how could we know that her marriage to stripper Kieran Hayler would end in tears? Not even a hint!’
The typical signs of shock are low blood pressure, a rapid heartbeat and ‘having voted Lib Dem at the last election’. Now the flighty model-turned-reality-star joins a long list of things we no longer trust; which are topped by ‘UKIP councillors with social media’, ‘Russell Brand with your Mum’ and ‘Vladamir Putin with Eastern Europe’