The Truth about Goats
As a series of high profile players exit Old Trafford at the end of this calamitous season, various rodents who had hitherto survived on hardened lumps of ‘Fergie gum’ have decided to reconsider their commitment to the Red Devils. Without wishing to panic supporters Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidic have emerged from the deepest recesses of their central defense, somewhere in the bilge, to make a break for freedom. Only Ryan Giggs, cradled in the ‘strong arms’ of Paul Scholes, continues to stand resolutely at the prow of this iceberg-bound behemoth.
All but the most simple of living organisms, such as single-brain-celled ‘Rooney’, will normally evolve a self-preservation response. Therefore the Manchester United board of directors have adhered to the maritime tradition of ‘women, children and managers first’. As this once mighty financial vessel, burdened with toxic dent, continues to flounder it has become clear that excess baggage will be thrown to the sharks (or US Stock Exchange as it is known). In turn, this ‘unseasonal migration’ of players is swifter than Ted Kennedy leaving the scene of a car accident.
Renaming in the Alex Ferguson Stand the ‘muster station’ has unsettled some people. Adjusting his life-jacket, a club spokesman said: ‘Let us be clear. This is a tactical withdrawal from the Champion’s League football, not a rout. These portents of doom are over-exaggerated. The recent solar eclipse was merely a Blue Moon. And rumours of a Glaswegian crone turning milk sour with a hairdryer are nonsensical’.
Some fans are naturally concerned that the continuous shrill cries of rodents will lead to a frightened mass exodus. The spokesman, as he looked for a buoyancy device, tried to allay those fears: ‘In the words of the great Francesco Schettino, Captain of the Costa Concordia, we are much less likely to sink with less of us on board. Which is why we are asking all referees to start future matches with seven short whistle blasts followed by one long one. Stay calm, wait for rescue and don’t employ Paolo Di Canio.’