The Truth about Goats
Law enforcement agencies are on alert for the perpetrator of multiple acts of vandalism upon a much loved British landmark and source of teenage fantasy. Reports have emerged that Harry Edward Styles, aka ‘the future father of my child’, has been covered in illegible script which can only have been penned by a toddler, a drunken graffiti artist or ‘an embarrassed chimpanzee’ armed with a permanent marker. Even if the criminal proves to be a child, defacing members of One Direction is an act of treason punishable by either death, ‘a severe trolling via twitter’ or tickets to their next concert –whichever is worse.
The list of suspects will include ‘any kiddie’ who has scrawled their name in the front of a library book – which could extend to most of the UK’s under-fives. This level of iconoclasm seems extreme, with no less than fifty five tattoos covering this spot of ‘outstanding natural beauty’. Other infamous attacks on works of art have included turning Copenhagen’s Little Mermaid into a Disney movie, and ruining Damien Hirst’s ‘Tank filled with formaldehyde’ by dropping dead shark in it or allowing the 43rd President of the United States near a box of paints.
His latest doodle, ‘Brasil’, is thought to be an instruction left to his personal groomer should Mr. Styles faint during his next waxing appointment. With images of Pingu, a pirate ship and T.W.A.T in invisible ink across his forehead, it is clear that an infantile imagination is behind these daubings. Police have not ruled out that Mr. Styles may be responsible for some of the garish marks himself; simply by the habit of falling asleep naked on pile of moist fan mail, prophylactic receipts and colouring-in books.