The Truth about Goats
Despite having never played professional football or having any direct ties with the Premiership champions, the Nigerian Islamic group has embarked on a disproportionate reign terror in reaction to what they describe as ‘a birthday snub’. Recent village massacres have been Boko Haram’s reaction to a lack of colourful wrapping paper, party games and an end to ‘sinful Western education’.
Over 100 people died in a double bombing in the central city of Jos, all of whom failed to send Abubakar Shekau a birthday card last year. While waving a machete, a somewhat livid spokesman said: ‘Roberto Carlos was given a Bugatti on his birthday. Yaya Toure was given a cake and a handshake. A cake! We love cake! Where is our cake? We demand cake. Cake and the establishment of an Islamic state ruled by sharia. But mostly cake.’
Amnesty International have accused the Nigerian government of provoking Boko Haram by murdering 950 militants in detention facilities in 2013, but admit that it was probably ‘the lack of cake’ which was the tipping point. There is also a natural suspicion that Nigerian renditions of ‘Happy Birthday’ tend to be replaced with torture-related rendition. While Boko Haram’s interpretation of a ‘goody bag’ is a kidnapped school girl in a sack.