The Truth about Goats
Medical and political experts are advising the British public to trap their genitals in a vice-like device, to enable ‘a measured response’ to Nigel Farage’s poll success. While many in the media industry predict a political Armageddon, most people with a trapped penis would suggest that UKIP’s resurgence is not ‘top of their priorities right now’.
According to the Journal of the British Association of Urological Surgeons an estimated 17,616 men required emergency treatment for zip injuries between 2002 to 2010, but only 6% of the potential electorate voted UKIP. One Doctor commented: ‘Yes, the chance of significant injury to your foreskin or shaft is significantly less than that of acquiring a UKIP councilor, but why take the risk? It’s your penis for goodness sake! Whatever horrendous mess Nigel Farage will cause, is nothing compared to snaring penile tissue in the teeth of a zipper.’
In between horrendous pain and blood loss, many interlaced men take a quiet moment to reflect on how much less painful a UKIP victory would be. One gentlemen, while drifting in and out of unconsciousness, remarked: ‘While focusing on these jagged, unforgiving metal fangs, somehow EU fishery policies don’t seem quite as urgent as they once did.’
One pollster confirmed: ‘There is not a trapped-in-zipper epidemic, neither is there a national movement in support of UKIP. During Eurovision a greater percentage of the British public voted in support of Poland’s pendulously breasted Donatan and Cleo. UKIP gained 161 seats in local elections, but that’s not as scary as genital necrosis. Ultimately what’s the difference between a UKIP MEP and an oiled penis? One is a slimy member obsessed with slipping out. And the other one is a dick.’