The Truth about Goats
The independent charity that supports, develops and promotes the art forms of the moving image was marred with controversy this year, with the revelation that certain recipients of the award were driven by ‘an unnatural hunger’ for the bronze alloy called Phosphor Bronze (PB3). Multiple winner Olivia Colman has admitted to ‘gorging herself silly’ on both her 2013 BAFTAs and confessed that her subsequent monopoly of ‘every decent acting role’ was caused by her ‘bronze alloy munchies’.
Colman first acquired a taste for copper-based metals after ‘nibbling a bit’ of her Sundance Film Festival Jury Prize during a particularly long acceptance speech. This rapacious appetite for awards has compelled her to dominate TV dramas and gain a reputation as the ‘Muttley of the acting world’. She is even rumoured to have lost ‘eighteen inches’ in height, perfected a Geordie accent and developed ‘hairy feet’ in order to aggressively challenge Ant & Dec’s hold on light entertainment BAFTAs.
The sinister world of the uber-elite of British media is abound with stories of celebrities having to go through humiliating rituals to obtain fellowship awards. BAFTA Vice-President, Sophie Turner Laing, reportedly made Julie Walters sacrifice a ‘live goat’, while James Corden was made to sit through re-runs of ‘everything he had ever made’. In turn, David Attenborough is alleged to host ‘BAFTA dinner parties’ where he and Coleman dine upon the fragments of sculptor Mitzi Cunliffe’s iconic mask-award.
While the UK’s actresses were forced to politely applaud Olivia Colman with fixed grins, few could imagine her ‘dark secret’. It is said that Colman, once sated, hibernates for a fortnight only to emerge from a green cocoon more ravenous for ‘good roles’ than ever before. The conspicuous absence of her ‘Broadchurch’ co-star David Tennant, who she described as a ‘joy and a treat’, is seen as a coded reference to her having eaten parts of the former Dr Who alongside his Welsh BAFTA and ‘a nice chianti’.