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The Queen to be replaced by Alan Bennett by 2017

The Government have unveiled plans to slowly ‘decommission’ Elizabeth II and install the much loved playwright as our new Monarch. While she was officially retired from active service on 27 November 2008, 88yr old ‘Lizbet’ has continued to open church fetes, ‘take in washing’ and ‘compete as a bare-knuckle boxer’ despite her Doctor’s instructions to retire. Moving under the reign of an egalitarian Dame Alan Bennett, it is hoped the UK can become a fairer society, with better TV Drama and ‘comfier slippers’.

Alan grew up in a simple, working-class house in Leeds

Alan grew up in a simple, working-class house in Leeds

Having employed the Prince of Wales as a ‘monarch stand-in’ for the Order of the Bath service, it has become apparent that the country needs a Head of State that can re-enact Pete & Dud routines not just hackneyed Goons impressions. While Clare Balding and Stephen Fry were originally touted as the ‘perfect job share’ replacement for the Queen, neither could commit to the hectic schedule of ‘posing topless for stamps’, ‘mucking out the stables at Buckingham Palace’ and touring in a Freddie Mercury tribute band. Even David Dimbleby was ruled out due to his allergy for swan meat.

This change in succession means that Jamie Oliver becomes next in line to the throne. Existing members of the Royal Family will be re-homed; while elderly Elizabeth will towed to a Glaswegian dockyard, dissembled and sold off for scrap to a Middle-Eastern conglomerate. His Britannic Majesty, Alan the First, has promised the State Opening of Parliament will involve a ‘nice cup of tea’, a ‘sticky bun’ and a ‘chat about the neighbours’.




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This entry was posted on June 2, 2014 by in UK News and tagged , , , , , , , , .

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