The Truth about Goats
With what is being seen as a vain attempt to garner support for his derogatory references to ‘female irrationality’, the Premier League’s chief executive has promised to prove his gender’s superiority through a series of ‘herculean tasks’. The beleaguered football boss is said to have thrown down the gauntlet to all women to try and beat him at ‘spitting’, ‘trapping spiders’ and ‘weeing standing up’.
Mr. Scudamore said his comments were not ‘sexist’ if you took into consideration his ability to parallel park, dominate the TV remote control and ‘lift stuff’. Football Association board member Heather Rabbatts accused the Premier League of having a ‘closed culture of sexism’ but was forced to admit Scudamore was able to assemble flat pack furniture ‘in a matter of minutes’, ‘recite the whole of Star Wars’ and ‘burp for a full hour’.
To a packed audience of female sports journalists, a spokesman for the Premier League slowly and loudly explained the offside rule slowly and added: ‘Of course women have a place in football. Many of our top footballers are married to women. If you asked the average fan who they’d prefer to pack their lunch, I know who they’d say.’
The chief executive reeled off a list of his achievements, including less time wasted on phone conversations, packing and ‘waxing’. He then, in a commanding manner, deftly opened a jar of pickled eggs with one hand and then headed to the bathroom ‘without the aid of a support group’. His spokesman said: ‘One day I’m sure we’ll see a woman playing in the Premiership on equal terms with a man…just for 20% less pay’.