The Truth about Goats
As Pope Francis embarks on his ‘World Tour of Apology’, it is becoming abundantly clear that ‘Mea Culpa is more like ‘Tua Culpa’; with his own motto ‘Miserando atque Eligendo’ crudely translating as ‘It wasn’t me, Guv!’. Meeting with various sex abuse victims, the pontiff was quick to remind people that the Catholic Church was substantially ‘less evil’ than the BBC and had no connection with ‘Yewtree’ allegations, ‘Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps’ or ‘ordaining James Corden’.
While the Holy Father has been ‘deeply saddened’ at having to atone for decades of Catholic crime, he was upbeat at ‘not having penned Blurred Lines’. A Vatican spokesman admitted that the Church ‘had enjoyed’ early episodes of ‘Lost’ but was not responsible for the final season: ‘There are a lot of things we should feel sorry for or a sense of guilt but Steven Gerrard slipping against Chelsea is not one of them. Neither is the Bishop of Rome accountable for any Star Wars prequels, Windows Vista or Sarah Palin’.
Having attempted to repair relations in the Middle East, Pope Francis told journalists that the Church needed to face up to their part in ‘ugly crime’, such as choreographing Miley Cyrus’ latest concert. A spokesman confirmed: ‘We were just trying to get down with the kids. The whole twerking thing was misinterpreted. It was just the Sacrament, midget choir boys and with a little bit of Sister Wendy thrown in for good measure’.
Wishing to distance himself from any more scandals that might rock the Church, the Pope was quick to emphasize that no amount of prayer would halt England’s inevitable humiliating exit from the World Cup next month. He did however confide that he had been complicit in Vice President Dick Cheney ‘shooting a guy in the face’ in 2006, as it was ‘too funny’ an opportunity to miss.