The Truth about Goats
In an attempt to challenge Dropbox and WhatsApp, the computing multinational will now offer their own online storage solution for all your embarrassing online mishaps. Every ‘clanger’, shameful selfie and disturbing email will be saved to an ‘off-colour iCloud’, where they will filed alongside Janet Jackson’s ‘wardrobe malfunction’, Justin Bieber’s career and Nick Clegg’s birth.
While Instagram attempts to banish violence and nudity from the internet, Bolloxdrop™ will embrace all that is ‘cringe-worthy’ about our lives. A spokesman for Tim Cook explained why Apple was diversifying: ‘We want lasting memories of every d@$kish thing you may have done. Even simple acts like getting food stuck between teeth; if it’s been photographed and uploaded we want to keep it. As Google allows the browsing public ‘the right to be forgotten’, Bolloxdrop™ will act like a Time-capsule of Shame – waiting to be accessed by prospective employees, Evgeniy Bogachev or loved ones doing background checks on you’.
Apple-users will have the option to instantly store a ‘veritable cornucopia of faux pas’; from stalling the car at traffic lights, masturbating on webcam or accepting bribes from a Qatari businessman. Provided there is an ‘electronic footprint’ for your gaffe, Bolloxdrop™ will prevent you from ‘moving on’. The company also plan to offer third-party wearable health devices; with early prototypes including a sign reading ‘unclean’, a large bell and a vulture ‘that sits of your shoulder’.
The much-rumoured products like a Siri-based ‘iWatch’ have now been superseded by the ‘iDon’tBelieveIt!’ -which will feature Victor Meldrew voice alerts, triggered by every ‘dumba@#e thing’ you do each day. Meanwhile Bolloxdrop™ will turn the data-stream into a ‘mortification torrent’, reminiscent of that time you had toilet paper stuck to your shoe, formed UKIP or left Everton to manage Manchester Utd.