The Truth about Goats
Chancellor George Osborne has been cautioned that his long term economic strategy has all the sustainability of a mayfly winning the X factor while boiling an egg. The International Monetary Fund (IMF) has told him that rising house prices are so ephemeral, that literal bubbles are starting to seem ‘steadfast’, even ‘predictable’, by comparison.
The Bank of England’s Financial Policy Committee (FPC) is due to meet later in June and is expected to recommend that potential house owners invest in the ‘spontaneous nucleation of supersaturated carbon dioxide’ rather than a ‘nice semi-detached in Carshalton’. A FPC spokeswoman said: ‘Bubbles in boiling or agitated water are not as uncertain as you might think. A family of four can happily survive in some sea foam for up to 15 seconds – provided the tide stays out. Whereas, buying bricks and mortar in the UK is a colossal risk. A crash could happen almost spontaneously – we call this the ‘Michael Barrymore Effect’.’
Bubbles form and coalesce into globular shapes over a matter of moments, whereas property prices in London have now doubled since the start of this sentence. Some Estate Agents are reportedly suffering from combination of whiplash and decompression sickness, such is the speed of change in the market. One agent complained: ‘Before you can say ‘bob’s your uncle’ or ‘that’s not a cupboard it’s a spare room’ a Russian oligarch can dig three stories beneath his Kensington property. Most house viewings are now index-linked to the stock exchange’.
Scientists now believe the universe is expanding purely to keep up with London rental prices. The IMF are advising home owners to ‘strap themselves in’, ‘sedate the dog’ and prepare for ‘the ride of their lives’. With a widening trade deficit, low productivity and a housing market on Viagra, consumers are being encouraged to cut back on their property portfolio and invest in something with better longevity – like male orgasms, luck or the optimism we feel about England’s chances in the World Cup.