The Truth about Goats
Animal welfare groups are concerned that government spending cuts may have resulted in an ‘outsourcing’ of police animal units to the fast food sector. During the last year we have seen an 11.6% reduction in canine officers but a similar increase in Tesco value meals. A Home Office spokesman was refused to be drawn on this issue, but admitted: ‘…some dogs are as effective in deterring crime, as they are the muchies.’
The Association of Chief Police Officers (ACPO) have described police dogs as a key tool in counter-terrorism operations, but also the ‘perfect appetizer’ to be served alongside ‘a fruity white wine’. Cleveland, Essex, Humberside, North Wales and Nottinghamshire have all axed their mounted sections, sometimes literally – much to the delight of local glue factories. Meanwhile several horses have reportedly ‘gone missing’ while policing at football matches, with rumours of burger vans leaving the ground ‘with more stock than they started with’.
With changes to abattoir inspections expected, there are also fears that millions of infected carcases could enter the food chain. Logically police dogs and horses are seen as a naturally ‘incorruptible’ meat and fortuitously laced with a ‘hint of pig’. A Tesco’s spokeswoman said: ‘In periods of austerity, clean meat sources are scarce. We’ve looked into using Trojan Horses from Birmingham, but halal is not to everyone’s taste’.
One Irish slaughterhouse is alleged to have promised ‘29% police officer’ with a popular range of burgers, with the tag line – ‘Tough on crime, harder to chew’. An ACPO spokeswoman defended their position: ‘We are not the first ones to do this. Whatever happened to Shergar? Where’s Pudsey the Dog gone? Britain may have talent, but Aldi have a new range of hairy sausages!’