The Truth about Goats
In a bold statement, seen as response to the four month ban imposed by FIFA on the masticating-prone striker, the Uruguay Football Association have claimed that Luis Suarez’s biting incidents were merely ‘restoring his blood glucose levels’. In a carefully drafted statement, they explained that due to their intensive diet of isotonic beverages most footballers are a rich source of dextrose and carbohydrate to anyone ‘in nibbling distance’.
Faced with the severe neuroglycopenic effects produced by the reduced brain sugar, Suarez had been forced to take emergency action during his World Cup match against Italy. One Doctor confirmed: ‘Mr. Suarez showed real presence of mind to sink his jaws into the glucose-saturated shoulder of Giorgio Chiellini. Had he failed to move swiftly he could easily have slipped into a coma, become as lethargic as an England’s back four or been forced to eat a ball boy. This was more than just the munchies – Mr. Suarez is an inspiration.’
Knowing the full story may also prevent Mr. Suarez from losing further sponsorship deals; having already discovered that the online firm ‘888poker’ have a uniquely strict ethical policy which is: ‘…pro-gambling addiction but virulently anti-love bite’. A spokesman for Sepp Blatter was still unconvinced: ‘A medical emergency is not a legitimate reason to bite someone. Whereas if Mr. Suarez had had the foresight to accept a bribe from a Far Eastern betting syndicate to bite Mr. Chiellini then he would have had FIFA’s full support’.