The Truth about Goats
Hot on the heels of the success of ISIS rebels in establishing an Islamic state amid the broken remains of Syria and Northern Iraq, the jihadist wing of the Individual Savings Accounts (ISAs) have declared their autonomy from the rest of the banking sector. Insurgents demanding favourable tax status have captured a series of key targets including arms depots, military checkpoints and the high street cashpoint – just outside Boots the Chemist.
Heavy fighting has led to many casualties on both sides, as ISA rebels advance on the financial holy city of London. The schism in the savings sector dates back to the collapse of the Ottoman Empire’s Personal Equity Plans and the creation of two broad types of ISA, cash or stocks and shares. Since then both ISA groups have divided down sectarian lines, with one favouring the prophet Muhammad and death to all infidels – the other preferring a ‘5% qualifying investment’.
When in 2014 the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, announced the adult ISA limit would be just £15,000 it inflamed tensions and inspired acts of terrorism, low-interest savings accounts and incidents of ‘stuffing cash in an old mattress’. Many Western journalists report that bankers are radicalising the young with the offer of Junior ISAs, favourable terms and their own ‘combat vest’.
The shadowy leader of the ISA state is only known to his followers as ‘Caliph Zero Percent’. Among their demands, the ISA rebels insist that they be exempt from ‘the yoke of Western Imperialism’, ‘Kurdish solo accounts’ and ‘Shia capital gains tax on investment returns’. By setting up a caliphate savings account ruled by the strict Islamic law, ISA hopes to avoid ‘decadence and moral corruption’ – or ‘The CO-OP’ as it is known.