The Truth about Goats
Be it the wonderment that is Dolly Parton lip-syncing, the joy of trench foot or the wind in your hair as you defecated in a field; no Glastonbury memory is as vivid as the small uncomfortable rash now festering in your ‘nether regions’. As you, bleary-eyed, regale your fellow office workers with tales of exotic debauchery, food poisoning narrowly avoided or tinnitus experienced; everything seems insignificant next to the small itchy reminder that sharing a towel with ‘a hippy from Croydon’ may have been an error.
Many of those travelling home along Somerset’s country roads were delayed by drivers pulling over to inspect their increasingly painful groinal area. With over 175,000 unwashed festival-goers, Herpes initially struggled to make good on his commitment ‘to visit every tent’; but was fortuitously supplemented by a particularly virulent strain of herpesviridae imported on the smeared coverings of Metallica’s drum kit.
Worthy Farm’s 1,200-acre will be cleaned by tractors and volunteers, while GPs will be visited by nervous young men the following week. After five days of mixed weather, sweltering tents and a relaxing of sexual health guidelines, Herpes reportedly has declared this his ‘…best Glastonbury ever!’. Although the Music Press are yet to mention that the festival clean-up now extends to a wire brush, rubbing alcohol and a fervent hope your girlfriend ‘doesn’t notice’.
Herpes could not help but be a little ‘star struck’ getting to meet the likes of Kasabian, ‘the entire sixth form from a College in Wiltshire’ and a ‘cold sore Robert Plant had from the 70s’. Festival organiser, Michael Eavis, has said he has already booked three anonymous headliners for 2015 but many hope this includes the farewell tours for The Who and a nasty case of syphilis found on Pete Townshend’s plectrum.