The Truth about Goats
The South Africa-based arms manufacturer, Desert Wolf, has secured sales to a mining company wishing to ‘stamp out’ illicit middle-class soirees and those who overstep the international boundaries of dinner party etiquette. To this end ‘Skunk Drones’, disguised as ornithological pepper mills, will spray anyone seen to be ignoring dress codes, arriving late without a gift for the hostess or ‘using the wrong soup spoon’.
This zero-tolerance approach to fine dining is seen as the next logical step in the fight against terrorism, fundamentalist vegans and using ‘one’s bread for mopping up sauces’. Those who fail to serve the lady sitting to the right of the host first will be treated to a barrage of plastic bullets, dye marker balls and withering looks from the other guests.
One ‘meal extremist’ attested to seeing combatants exchanging blows with a butter knife, salad tongs and a sharpened artichoke: ‘…while refusing to even stand when a lady asked to be excused for the bathroom’. The International Committee for Robot Arms Control have questioned the effective of this deterrent, given that many ‘rogue diners’ have been combining the pepper drone with vinegar and olive oil drones to ‘make a nice marinade’. Many prefer Boris Johnson’s plan to use three water cannons to hose down any of the working class who frequent Harvester Restaurants.
Human Rights activists have defended people’s right to ‘eat with their fingers’ but the UN is expected to support a toughened response to ‘talking with a full mouth’. Of particular concern is the situation in Iraq, where ISIS have seized £256 from Mosul’s central bank in attempt to pursue eau de cuisson, the destruction of the West and to ‘pick their teeth with impunity’. As the US offers armed support to the Iraqi Government, the pepper drone may be a key tool in their arsenal – along with the tear gas filled gravy boats, taser enabled cutlery and exploding trivets.