The Truth about Goats
By binding themselves economically and politically with the European Union and the Ukraine (- or ‘Greater Russia’ as it is soon to be called), both eastern European nations have elected to be the next target of Vladimir Putin’s ‘rough loving’. The peoples of Georgia and Moldova spoke of their excitement at seeing unmarked military vehicles approaching their borders, the sudden immigration of armed Russian-speaking tourists and subsequent referendums – with turnouts mysteriously larger than the electorate.
Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko welcomed the Georgians and Moldovans to the ‘Retro-Soviet party’. The pact binds the three countries closely to the shared vision of ‘being crushed in a big bear hug by a hairy Cossack, in a completely heterosexual manner’. Mr. Poroshenko hailed the signing as an historic day; to which a Kremlin spokesman was able to agree whole heartedly: ‘…in the same way the fall of Rome was an historic day…for the Visigoths.’
The Ukrainian ceasefire with pro-Russian rebels is due to end soon, which should hopefully allow for the full mobilization of Moscow’s cartographers. European Council President Herman van Rompuy described it as a ‘great day for Europe…as everyone loves a World War. The EU stands by your side, today more than ever before,’ he told leaders of the three countries, as he buttoned up a flak jacket. ‘Let’s get ready to rrrrrr-rumble!’
Teenagers in Georgia and Moldova have spoken of their joy at being able to re-visit Soviet fashions from the 1950s, the dub-step tunes of the Russian Association of Proletarian Musicians and the potato as legal tender. Whether Mikhail Gorbachev will be willing to reprise his role in future coup d’états is unclear but Mr. Putin is willing to restore both countries to their pre-1991 positions as: ‘…ex-nations that feature in pub quiz questions but who still guarantee Russia twelve Eurovision votes.’