The Truth about Goats
In an attempt to distance his government from a ‘stuffy’ male image, the Prime Minister is taking the bold move to capitalize on the sudden popularity of ‘lady clerics’. At the same time the General Synod, while approving the appointment of female Bishops, expressed alarm that the Conservative party was attempting to steal its good publicity, ‘nab its stash of fetching mitres’ and reduce the dignity of the church to a pair of ‘fishnet liturgical stockings’.
Archbishop Welby was said to be ‘delighted’ to see female Bishops but less than pleased that Cameron’s reshuffle would be grabbing the headlines. One advertising executive explained: ‘Girly priests are so now. They are so the moment. Mr. Cameron is cleverly tapping into the zeitgeist, our love of preachy women and the desire of UK students to see Michael Gove bludgeoned to death with a crosier.’
Retiring members of the Cabinet have not only been forced to leave the government but have been made to renounce the Church of England. William Hague is quitting as Foreign Secretary to return to his celibate life dispensing Gideon bibles in hotels and volunteering as a bed warmer. While political veteran, Ken Clarke, intends to wander the northern wilds as a drunken shaolin monk – dispensing justice kung-fu style. Only Theresa May is said to be considering taking the cloth, having been lured by the offer of a pair of ecclesiastically-themed ‘studded pumps’.
At least a dozen male ministers will be leaving their posts; while even the Brazilian Football team is bracing themselves for the appointment of a female Bishop as their new coach. Only the Pope has balked at the idea of ordaining women into the church. A Vatican spokesman confirmed: ‘The only way the Catholic Church can maintain its monopoly in sexually repressed males is to keep avoid the appointment of female Cardinals. Our 2% market share of paedophiles could be seriously compromised if we give in to gender quotas.’