The Truth about Goats
Following in the petite footsteps of Lisa Snowden, the Mail Online has been forced to accept that the ‘grey fox’ will never hold them in his big strong arms. Despite their grovelling apology, George Clooney has refused to accept phone calls, bouquets of roses and romantic editorials about ‘stinky immigrants’ from the lovesick tabloid.
Strangely enough the Hollywood star was not enamoured with The Mail’s coquettish charms, blatant racism and obsessive delight with the murder of prostitutes. Similarly the newspaper’s jealous response to Mr. Clooney’s engagement to Amal Alamuddin, has fuelled their obsession with ‘…Lebanese human rights lawyers coming over here are stealing all the best heart throbs. Heart throbs that may be American but that’s nearly British. Not like the Polish – who sound weird.’
According to a dating website The Mail, when not paying substantial libel damages to J.K Rowling, enjoys ’walks in countryside’, ‘sunsets’ and ‘being judgemental about the death of homosexuals’. One disillusioned editor said: ‘We are a paper of note. Since 1896 we’ve brought you headlines like – ‘Hurrah for the Blackshirts’. What’s not to like? Quite frankly we are just as attractive as a Kelly Preston, we smell better than Krista Allen and unlike Brad Pitt – we’d put out on the first date’.
The Mail has desperately offered to reveal their tabloid secrets if Mr. Clooney would meet them for some ‘pillow talk’. Yet despite his notorious playboy reputation, Mr. Clooney has expressed no interest in discovering how ‘Woman, 63, becomes PREGNANT in the mouth with baby squid’. Sadly, even the offer of using Richard Littlejohn as a contraceptive was rebuked.