The Truth about Goats
It is now estimated that of the UK’s 2,135 suspect weddings, Hollywood stars may be responsible for a much as two thirds of fake marriages. The Commons Home Affairs Select Committee spoke of the ‘alarming rate’ with which celebrities were using marriage to bolster their career, counter-act negative publicity or distract from the urban myth: ‘…that they had once had a gerbil removed from their rectum’.
While home-grown ‘talent’ like Katie Price attempt to maintain Britain’s sham wedding industry, the reality is that the US is still the world leader on marital insincerity. Ever since Rock Hudson and Phyllis Gates said ‘I do’, there’s been a plethora of couples willing to fabricate vows, feast on phoney wedding cake and make sex noises whenever guests come to stay.
One marriage expert, with a natural fear of litigation, explained: ‘Hypothetically…let’s just say, you’re an Oscar nominated sexagenarian who likes to fly planes and hum Bee Gee’s hits. Well, just hypothetically. No basis in truth, whatsoever. But lets say, hypothetically, you want to visit some same sex massage parlours – it would be really helpful if Kelly Preston could learn to keep her trap shut.’
While fictitious marriages are a threat to immigration control, they are a greater hazard to gullible members of the public who like to invest in Charles & Diana memorabilia. The editor of one gossip magazine, expressed her shock: ‘You’re not telling me, people would fake their love for their career? I’m outraged. What about Liza Minelli and David Gest? Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley? Bert and Ernie? What about…oh…I see.’