The Truth about Goats
Despite the word of God being ‘absolute’, senior retired members of the clergy are increasingly of the opinion that the gospel is less a set of rules but more of a ‘guideline stroke cryptic crossword’. Specifically, the previously opposed Assisted Dying Bill is receiving ringing from endorsements from ex-Bishops who are coincidently ‘feeling under the weather’, en route to a care home and nearing the ‘episcopal glue factory’.
Naturally there is some suspicion that their bus pass rather than their bible may be weighing slightly more heavily on their conscience. One outraged Bishop said: ‘Heaven forbid that we are making declarations of faith based on transient personal circumstance. Oh dearie me, no. Just because I’ve started peeing blood, my pacemaker needs replacing and I can’t remember my children’s names – doesn’t mean I’m worried at death. Now…where did I leave that Swiss air ticket?’
Current Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has called the bill ‘mistaken and dangerous’ but, as a sprightly 58 year old, he may not yet feel the boney fingers of fate upon his shoulder. To assist him in getting some perspective on encroaching death, Mr. Welby has agreed to allow Desmond Tutu (82) to tell him about being buried alive, Slender Man short stories and re-runs of ‘Horne & Corden’.
Meanwhile the previous Archbishop, Lord Carey (78). may also be hedging his bets not just about the process of death but also about the afterlife. Friends have attested to seeing Lord Carey apologizing to Richard Dawkins, praying to Buddha and ‘sacrificing a goat to Beelzebub’. However, he has stated that his age has not influenced his faith but has helped him realize Jesus loves ‘nipple-high trousers’, ‘werther’s originals’ and the ‘smell of wee’.