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US to introduce border height restrictions

In order to combat the flood of unaccompanied children through its southern states, the US is planning to implement a scheme which bans anyone who still watches ‘Sesame street’, needs help tying their shoe laces or still believes in the tooth fairy. While some fear this might unfairly target Republican nominee Rick Perry, most agree to the rewording of the Statue of Liberty: ‘Give me your tired, your poor…but no one under four foot eight’.

If you need help to drink from this fountain you are not coming in

If you need help to drink from this fountain you are not coming in

Those children without legitimate claims and stature will be sent home to gang violence, poverty and the realisation they were ‘too short for Disney’s Splash Mountain’. The Presidents of Guatemala, Honduras and El Salvador have backed the US decision saying: ‘Children represent a risk to all our security. They have no regard for personal space or hygiene and get far too hyped at Christmas’.

A 2008 US law which grants children an automatic asylum hearing, is said to be revised in favour a dinosaur shaped sign with height measurements on it.  However, not everyone favours repatriation, one Texan parent said: ‘The more I think about it, US children can’t compete with a cute kid from Central America. My own kids are always banging on about the minimum wage; whereas a hardworking immigrant will mow the lawn, study hard and tidy their room for less the 10 cents.’

More than 50,000 children have been detained since October trying to flout the new height guidelines, many standing on each others shoulders or wearing stilts. A spokesman for President Barack Obama said: ‘Adult sized immigrants are one thing. It’s not as if our taxis can drive themselves. But kids? What do we do with kids? This isn’t Victorian London where we can just stick ’em up a chimney. In the words of our founding father, Randy Newman, we don’t want no short people round here’.


by @Wrenfoe


4 comments on “US to introduce border height restrictions

  1. marqueeindia20004
    August 6, 2014

    Who will take up cudgels on the children’s’ behalf ? Great stuff. More power to your writings.


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This entry was posted on August 6, 2014 by in International News and tagged , , , , , , , .

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