The Truth about Goats
As their second week of holiday looms, ink stains fade and the Prozac leaves their system most teachers are reminded just how rewarding their job is if only they could phase out their students. As one relaxing classroom assistant commented: ‘It’s not that I hate the children, I ‘m just saying its nice to be without my nervous twitch, sense of impending doom and the irrational desire to adopt the foetal position every time I see hear a school bell’.
A recent poll of secondary teachers suggest paperwork is as much as halved during the July-August periods and that the majority of staff only cry themselves to sleep just once or twice. An eminent psychologist suggested: ‘Removing the cause of stress allows the average teacher to enjoy the sort of things you and I take for granted – exposure to sunlight, the respect of their peers and the ability to perform sexually.’
As their self-loathing recedes, there is a slight concern that teachers may start to become resentful of other more glamorous professions; such as pig inseminator, asbestos taster or friend to George Osborne. One Head Teacher explained: ‘Managing an ever changing curriculum and demoralized workface is like getting cats to march in a line. Hmmm…there’s a thought – cat line manager. Is that a real job? Where can I apply for that? Or shark wrangler?’
An unnamed Geography teacher remarked serenely: ‘I’m only dealing with a dozen or so scripts and emails a day…it’s almost like an office job. If that office also came with a gnawing sense that in September someone was going to sh@t on your head from a very great height’. Yet an extended break from the classroom may also come at a cost; teachers will not be able to confiscate people’s mobile phones, deny them toilet breaks or maintain a sense of morality superiority that comes with having made a ‘really bad life decision’