The Truth about Goats
A recent pilot study of pensioner’s health has raised fears that scientists are competing to offer the public effortless routes to eternal life. The new claim that six seconds of exercise ‘can transform health’, has led to people reducing their daily activity to just rigorous chewing, animated shampooing and ‘strained bowel movements’.
In a rush to pander to people’s desire for an easy life, a team at Abertay University believe High Intensity Training can soon replace far more arduous activities, like ‘walking up a staircase’. In turn, this has forced other health experts to warn that ‘six seconds may be too much’ and that to avoid undue strain people should sit in a ‘couch position’, directly in front of their PC and indulge in some light scratching in the ‘boxer short region’.
As experts vie to recommend the shortest exercise regimes, there is also a wavering in advice from nutritionists. Rather than ‘ten fruit and veg a day’ some food scientists are now suggesting that multi-coloured skittles can provide the full spectrum of vitamins we require. There has even been a resurgence of the ‘brown food diet’ so prevalent during the 1970s, cheap buffets and Kerry Katona’s freezer.
Sedentary behaviour while watching TV can now easily be countered by waving the remote control in an aggressive manner during coverage of the Commonwealth Games. One health guru commented: ‘Seven seconds is a ridiculous amount of time and effort to spend on preserving life. My advice to my clients is to focus on a six second fitness plan that can easily repeated, That’s why I recommend my new book – ‘How to wank into a sock’.’