The Truth about Goats
In a shock announcement, an unnamed fifteen year old boy from Cirencester has confessed to relatives that he, rather than ‘a plague of locusts’, is responsible for the recent decimation of the food larder. Up until now family members had assumed a family of rats had feasted overnight to account for the loss of a tub of ice cream, several bags of chocolate chip cookies and a frozen meat dish of indiscriminate age and origin.
Where quite precisely the boy has now stored the excess calories scientists are at a loss to say, but many see this as indirect proof of the ‘hollow legs’ theory of transcendental dimensionality. The loss of cereal was particularly mysterious as the crockery seemed untouched; although his sister feared he had simply emptied the muesli directly into his mouth, added milk and conglomerated it into an unwholesome sludge.
Along with the forfeiture of prodigious amounts food, it is hoped that the lad will also be able to shed light on the disappearance of three boxes of kleenex and his father’s limited edition of ‘Razzle’s Reader’s Wives’ circa 1988. A lawyer for the boy said: ‘My client is very sorry for the loss of eighteen cup a soups™. In his defence, he had just smoked an ounce of weed’.
Both parents have resigned themselves to the fact they will need to get second jobs and re-mortgage to sustain their child at his current levels of consumption. They have appealed to Oxfam for food to be re-directed Gloucestershire and have contacted local hospitals for ‘first dibs’ on any off-cuts. What is more worrying is that his hunger shows no signs of being sated and no one has seen the family dog since Wednesday.