The Truth about Goats
Despite having been trapped in the Ecuadorean embassy since June 2012, the lure of taking over London’s tenth most important football club has proved too much for Julian Assange. His fear of extradition to the US, for publishing classified military documents, has paled into insignificance next to the challenge of taking over from Tony Pulis.
An embassy spokesman dismissed rumours that the Wikileaks founder was suffering from ill-health and required treatment, explaining: ‘Mr. Assange is a lifelong Eagles fan. This fact is often over-shadowed by his work spreading truth throughout the world. Exposing corruption and assassination is one thing, but Mr. Assange would much rather talk about having seen Ian Wright and Mark Bright play together’.
After Radio DJ David Kid Jensen, Mr. Assange is Palace’s most high profile supporter. He is said to have declared that ensuring Palace are ‘mathematically safe from relegation’ is more important than avoiding Swedish allegations of sexual assault. However, he did concede that fighting for Premiership survival would be harder than ‘…taking Bradley “Chelsea” Manning on a shopping trip to New Look’.
Meantime stories are circulating that Tony Pulis resigned his post, 48hrs before the start of the season, due to documents being leaked that link him to an illegal intervention in the Iraqi war. A confused Mr. Pulis said he had no idea where this information had come from; unconnected to this, Mr. Assange has confirmed Edward Snowden will be his new Assistant Manager.