Flibbertigibbet News

The Truth about Goats

Man Utd fans banned from looking at football results

In a move designed to avoid discontent among fans and shareholders, Man Utd officials have taken the unprecedented decision to ban tablets, laptops and ‘any access to the league table’ from Old Trafford. Instead, fans will be treated to calming music, pastel shaded kits and  Louis van Gaal dressed as Sir Matt Busby.

Gaze into my eyes. Repeat after me. Roy Keane is still young. Roy Keane is still young.

Gaze into my eyes. Repeat after me. Roy Keane is still young. Roy Keane is still young.

The club has claimed it is merely reacting to a ‘security’ threat, that 75,000 fans may spontaneously combust if they are to go another season without silverware. An  official confirmed: ‘The problem with last year was not our inability to win, it was that the other teams created an unfair comparison. We just don’t need any reminding about our neighbours in blue. Your average United fan would much prefer to stay in 1998; enjoying the Treble, imagining the sexually peccadilloes of George Michael and Monica Lewinsky, while listening to Celine Dion sing ‘My Heart Will Go On”.

Embracing the North Korean model of sporting denial, psychologists have suggested delusions of grandeur are preferable to: ‘…the grim reality of Marouane Fellaini’. To prolong the psychosis players will be forced to wear facemasks of the main contributors to Utd’s bygone era of success – such as Cantona, Robson and Eamonn Holmes.

Tannoy announcers will now only read out half-time results from the Ferguson years and everyone will be hypnotised into believing David Moyes is still at Everton. While Greater Manchester Police have said they were not involved in the ban decision, they have admitted that everyone would be safer in Manchester if: ‘… they immersed themselves in Friends boxsets and imagined a time before Olly Murs had declared himself a fan’.


by @Wrenfoe

Give Wrenfoe a piece of your mind

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.


This entry was posted on August 21, 2014 by in UK Sports and tagged , , , , , , , , .

Reformation (play script)

Prize Winners

Our readers described Flibbertigibbet News as ..."only slightly less accurate than the Daily Mail"(Dizzychick84) ..."clearly under-appreciated" (Sean Smithson)..."Half man, half goat. All Comedy"(JizzOSmith)..."the best reason for smirking at work" (DavidHollands) and ..."clearly an elaborate internet phishing scam!"(XangChek12)

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive FREE notifications of new posts by email.

Join 9,448 other followers

Blog Stats

  • 44,858 fumbles

Follow Wrenfoe on Twitter


Award Winning

Reader Review

"It takes a sick and yet highly evolved mind to fully grasp the sophistication of your humor. I tried to explain this to my wife, who thought I was having convulsions as I lay on the floor laughing." (Mike Lince)

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2018

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2019

Flib Zealots

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2014

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2013

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2015

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2016

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2017

%d bloggers like this: