The Truth about Goats
In a move designed to avoid discontent among fans and shareholders, Man Utd officials have taken the unprecedented decision to ban tablets, laptops and ‘any access to the league table’ from Old Trafford. Instead, fans will be treated to calming music, pastel shaded kits and Louis van Gaal dressed as Sir Matt Busby.
The club has claimed it is merely reacting to a ‘security’ threat, that 75,000 fans may spontaneously combust if they are to go another season without silverware. An official confirmed: ‘The problem with last year was not our inability to win, it was that the other teams created an unfair comparison. We just don’t need any reminding about our neighbours in blue. Your average United fan would much prefer to stay in 1998; enjoying the Treble, imagining the sexually peccadilloes of George Michael and Monica Lewinsky, while listening to Celine Dion sing ‘My Heart Will Go On”.
Embracing the North Korean model of sporting denial, psychologists have suggested delusions of grandeur are preferable to: ‘…the grim reality of Marouane Fellaini’. To prolong the psychosis players will be forced to wear facemasks of the main contributors to Utd’s bygone era of success – such as Cantona, Robson and Eamonn Holmes.
Tannoy announcers will now only read out half-time results from the Ferguson years and everyone will be hypnotised into believing David Moyes is still at Everton. While Greater Manchester Police have said they were not involved in the ban decision, they have admitted that everyone would be safer in Manchester if: ‘… they immersed themselves in Friends boxsets and imagined a time before Olly Murs had declared himself a fan’.