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Bank of England’s Monetary Policy Committee to pursue ‘solo careers’

In news that will devastate investment bankers and teenage girls in equal measure, the MPC have announced they plan to split over interest rate rises and to take time out to pursue ‘personal endeavours’. The nine-member UK group voted 7-2 to hold interest rates, while two voted for more ‘…Grime Music with samples of sawtooth wave sounds’; leaving London’s financial sector torn between fiscal responsibility and 4×4 breakbeats.

Their first album cover

Their first album cover

Music fans and stockbrokers will be taking down bedroom posters of the group, while their planned tour of ‘local banks and clubs’ looks in doubt. Despite the UK’s low wage growth, heartthrobs Martin Weale and Ian McCafferty felt that falling unemployment needed to be supported by a return to ‘…old school jungle’. The other MPC members released a statement saying: ‘Dizzee Rascal may be Bonkers, but we can not endorse a financial model that incorporates not paying for your thrills.’

The future now looks uncertain as Deputy Governor Nemat Shafik and Kristin Forbes are considering becoming a Mel & Kim tribute act, leaving the remaining MPC members to enter the boy band market. Obviously Mark ‘The Guv’ Carney is a perfect front man; with his teen-friendly ‘silver-fox good looks’, ‘Canadian drawl’ and ‘a thirteen-year career with Goldman Sachs’.

David Kern, chief economist at the British Chambers of Commerce, said it was ‘disappointing’ as he had just had a full back-tattoo made of the whole group. The Bank of England insisted that they would not resort to the desperate financial measures that have seen the US forced to ‘twerk’ to stimulate the economy. Meanwhile Taylor Swift has denied composing a song about the split but she has offered to underpin pound with ‘a lock of Harry Styles’ hair’.

by @Wrenfoe


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This entry was posted on August 25, 2014 by in UK Business and tagged , , , , , , , .

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