The Truth about Goats
UKIP members in the Kent constituency of South Thanet have been thrown into disarray by the unexpected hypersensitivity to unpasteurised beer of their frontrunner for the 2015 general election. Having quaffed over 20,000 pints on the election trail to appear as an ‘everyman’ to voters, Mr. Farage has now become riddled with hives every time he swallows a mouthful of ‘Bishop’s Cock’.
Mr. Farage’s candidature is now in the balance as he tries to build up an immunity to ‘Old Ringworm’, ‘Druid Fluid’ and the what he describes as an ‘…unpalatable East European Import’. Cask ale, that for so long had been his ally in avoiding policy questions, has now become his nemesis; reducing Mr. Farage to a runny nose, eczema and wheezy xenophobia attacks.
One disillusioned voter said: ‘I can’t vote for someone who is unable grin inanely while drinking in a pub. That was the one thing about UKIP I liked, the grinning and then the drinking. Grin. Drink. Then grin some more. If he’s just going to do the grinning I might as well vote for a chimp! It takes a great man to be able to grin and then drink. Just grinning? Any old fool can do it.’
Although the Conservatives won the seat in 2010 with a majority of 7617, political observers claim that just the sight of one ‘white, middle-aged drunk in tweed’ could swing all the votes to UKIP. A representative for Mr Farage assured voters: ‘…that he will do his best to fight off the itchiness that comes with a Velvet Merkin’.