The Truth about Goats
Just as the Summer Hols passes its zenith, many British holidaymakers have been left frustrated by the international community’s failure to ‘chill out’ and ‘…enjoy the start of the Premiership season’. By steadfastly focusing on gloom in the Ukraine, the word’s general grumpiness has detracted from the UK’s enjoyment of a new Dr Who, Kate Bush in concert and the anticipation of Mario Balotelli going ‘bat shit crazy’ at Liverpool.
As war, disaster and Sarah Palin’s new TV channel dominate the media, many British people have switched off reading the news. One citizen complained: ‘The worlds a bad place. School girls abducted. Seth MacFarlane movies. I get it! Admittedly I’ve not bothered to actually read the details of these stories, but I understand the gist. Jihadists spreading ebola, planes crashing in Gaza – it’s all too depressing. What happened to those upbeat stories like UKIP’s Godfrey Bloom hitting journalist Michael Crick over the head with his own leaflet? Slapstick without real people getting hurt.’
Psychologists have agreed that the rest of the world needs to stop focussing on the negative and exercise a little more, have a relaxing bath or ‘…watch footage of Chris Huhne having his face crushed by a camera lens’. One expert explained: ‘We had nice little self-satisfied buzz going on thanks to the London Olympics, but ever since then the rest of the globe has just been bumming us out’.
Many in the UK believe the peoples of Iraq should keep quiet or at least until ‘…they have become a little more British about everything’. A Whitehall spokesmen said: ‘When all’s said and done, unless you’re Alex Salmond, it’s cool being a Brit. Yes, we lose the odd cricket match but thanks to four hundred years of unbroken democracy and internet porn we actually have pretty good time. And we’ve much straighter teeth these days’.