The Truth about Goats
In the aftermath of Alex Salmond shouting Alistair Darling into submission, the remaining parts of the British Isles have resigned themselves to the fact that its time ‘to move on’ and start seeing other countries. To this end, the Foreign Office has put out a series of classified ads asking for those interested in love, union and a ‘B&D parliamentary system’.
The exact wording of the advert mentions a ‘long-term business arrangement’ but also, in what is seen as a veiled dig at the Scots, a request for someone who is ‘…well endowed, drug and disease free’. However, contrary to their own protestations, the UK has clearly not obtained ‘full closure’; welcoming applications from a ‘chubby, argumentative red head’.
Naturally the UK’s first instinct was to thumb through their ‘little black book’ of ex-colonies and past loves. A spokeswoman for the Foreign Office (FO) admitted: ‘We’ve had a few tentative replies from parts of Asia. And the Isle of Wight has requested to be considered a real part of Great Britain – but I don’t think we are ready for that just yet. Obviously this is an opportunity for someone like the United States to give us a second chance. I’m sure President Obama will be the first to admit independence hasn’t really worked out’.
A 25% share option in UK PLC is an attractive proposition, but there are fears that they could be asset stripped by adventure capitalists or ‘taken for a ride’ by a butch Russian President promising ‘a Crimean three-way’. The FO spokeswoman admitted: ‘We are struggling to adjust to the frenetic world of online dating. We just want someone interested in long walks in the country. Usually someone else’s country. And usually somewhere in the Middle East…with guns’.