The Truth about Goats
The Justice Secretary, Chris Grayling, has denied claims that the prison service is in ‘crisis’ due to a rising population of 70’s DJs and NewsCorp employees depressing existing inmates, with their mundane trivia and inept journalism. Outbreaks of violence are common place as prisoners are routinely exposed to 8-tracks of the Bee Gees and stories about the sex lives of footballers.
Prison guards attest to seeing friction between rival groups of 70’s celebrities and News of the World editors. One guard reported: ‘The Journos spend their time luring the radio presenters with images of topless teenagers, then putting them on a register once they bite. Of course the DJs get their revenge by stabbing the Hacks with a shiv fashioned from a sharpened OBE medal’.
This lack of contemporary music or grammatically correct headlines, has caused a significant rise in the number of assaults by prisoners. The Chief Inspector of Prisons spoke of a ‘political and policy failure’ and a dangerous ‘underestimation’ of the number of corrupt Murdoch journalists. In turn, Mr. Grayling was forced to admit that gaoling an entire decade may have been an error and that overcrowding was the inevitable result of an excess of space hoppers, bell bottoms and monster perms.
The Howard League for Penal Reform also reported that prison officer numbers had dropped by 30% but there had been proportional increase in the number of prisoners on the BBC payroll. A Home Office spokesman confirmed: ‘If prisoners want a better class of entertainer or journalist, they’ve got to hope that Jonathan Ross gets nicked for parking fines. Ultimately the way to avoid a prison term with these reprobates is to not break the law…or failing that, work in the financial sector’.