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Alcoholic drinks to carry mug-shot of Mel Gibson

An All-Party Parliamentary Group has recommended that, rather than ambiguous health warnings, all bottles containing alcohol should depict career suicides to emphasize the perils of drink. There will be a range of images to accompany the tag line ‘Liquid Death’; including Shane Mcgowan’s dental records, David Hasselhoff’s music career and images of Robert Downey Jr.in ‘The Singing Detective’.

Woozy Booze

Woozy Booze

Over one million people a year are admitted to hospital due to alcohol abuse but worryingly a small percentage of these people will try to release albums or movies while under the influence. One marketing expert explained: ‘The public need to aware of the repercussions of alcoholism. The name ‘cut throat razor’ simultaneously advertises a product while warning of its misuse, which is why we are recommending booze is re-branded as ‘Looking like Amy Winehouse’.

In the last twenty years liver disease in the under-30s has doubled but the greater cost to the UK is having to sit through 204 mind numbing episodes of Keifer Sutherland as Jack Bauer. Surprisingly not every artistic blooper is fuelled by alcohol; Pharrell Williams’ ‘Blurred Lines’ were not hazy through drink, ‘Need for Speed’ would actually have benefited from amphetamines and James Corden’s agent is notoriously sober.

The drinks industry is now committed to putting Gibson’s face on 80% of all bottles and cans. Although it may be too late for Mr. A. Salmond (c/o ‘Land of the Free’) recently found guilty of driving 5 million Scots over a precipice while under the influence of ‘Braveheart’.

by @Wrenfoe


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This entry was posted on September 9, 2014 by in UK Health and tagged , , , , , , , , , .

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