The Truth about Goats
David Cameron has pledged to utilize the full strength of Britain’s armed forces in tackling terrorism, immigration and badgers. However a spokeswoman for the Prime Minister was hesitant on his commitment to securing northern borders, specifically those surrounding the ‘frozen tundra of Caledonia’ or the ‘Dead Zone’, as it is referred to by the Tories at election time.
At a recent NATO conference, Mr. Cameron’s spokeswoman made it clear that he valued homeland security above all else, ‘…but not if you included Glasgow’. With polls pointing towards a nationalist victory in the Scottish Independence referendum, Conservatives have responded with the same levels of apathy normally associated with a Michael Bublé concert.
The Tory spokeswoman defended their position: ‘The only way we can defend the UK against the tide of filth and short-legged omnivores is to dismantle the UK. No jihadist or badger can invade our natural borders, if we have no borders. Britain is much safer in smaller indistinguishable fragments. If we lop off Scotland we’ll hopefully look like the Netherlands on any maps – thus fooling potential invaders’.
Those who are pro-Union have been critical of the Government’s lukewarm defence of the UK; as one Scottish ‘No-voter’ said: ‘If you want to control the spread of rabies, bovine tuberculosis and Scottish nationalism you have to take the threat of Alex Salmond seriously’. Mr. Cameron responded with a three-pronged strategy for national security – 1) The indiscriminate bombing of the Middle East 2) Mice-traps for Badgers and 3) Attaching Scotland to Norway and seeing in anyone notices