The Truth about Goats
In a futile attempt to appear relevant, boost sales and ‘keep Adam Clayton in hair dye’, the Irish rock band have been forced to entice listeners with an ever increasing number of freebies. Sceptical music fans. no longer impressed by The Edge’s collection of woolly bobble hats, have refused to engage with U2’s new album without the added bonus of ‘free apps’, ‘10% off at M&S’ and ‘three year’s interest free credit’.
So concerned have the band become that they will not sell any copies, that they have resorted to offering for gratis ‘laundry service’ to all iTunes users. Five hundred million Apple customers will be able have trousers pressed by Larry Mullen Jr, while Bono promises to ‘…get your whites really white’. Perhaps more humiliating still, is the image of band members lining street corners armed with a squeegee and the offer of a ‘CD with every windscreen wiped.’
This being their first album in five years, the veteran rockers are starting to appear desperate with these gimmicks. One advertising executive commented: ‘Initially their buy one get one free deal on The Joshua Tree seemed logical. But at some point loss leaders simply become a loss. Having The Edge sneak copies of Songs of Innocence into kiddies cereal boxes is just lame’.
Bono has even pledged to ‘set fire to a rainforest’ to boost the band’s flagging profile. A spokesman for U2 said: ‘It’s not that Bono is taking time out from his philanthropic work and tax evasion, it’s just that he feels he needs to focus on getting the people of Africa to buy this modestly priced 11-track album. Just remember, every time someone clicks their fingers someone in the world hears a U2 song and says ‘turn that sh@t off”.