The Truth about Goats
Having had the embarrassment of squandering millions on a failed e-borders programme and a subsequent arbitration settlement, the UK Government has reached the conclusion that a simpler more inexpensive approach could have been taken. To this end they have housed one elderly gentlemen in a beach hut in Dover, to arbitrarily decide who can enter the country based on the loose criteria of ‘looks, smell and if they sound funny’.
A Home Office spokeswoman confirmed: ‘While we do not condone racism in any form, we have decided that one slightly bigoted quinquagenarian can make the same inefficient decisions but at £1bn less than we were quoted for by Raytheon. To this end, we have set up a Mr. Farage of South Thanet with a thermos flask of soup, a pair of binoculars and a boxset of Top Gear to keep him company’.
In a week that has seen illegal immigrants dying in shipping containers at Tilbury Docks, many have questioned the Government’s insistence on repeatedly hiring private IT contractors who fail to deliver. Having already wasted £9.8bn on a bodged upgrade of NHS computer systems, it is hoped that Mr. Farage’s modest fee of ‘a pint of brown ale and scotch egg’ will at least offer value for money. The spokeswoman explained: ‘An extreme racist would be no good, they would be turning everyone away. We just need someone with mild xenophobia to avoid us being over run from Eastern Europe but in a way that seems like the capricious work of a defunct Amstrad 1512 ‘.
The cross-party Home Affairs Committee has concluded that most immigration policies will be flawed from outset; so if you are going to fail ‘…you might as well fail on the cheap’. While Mr. Farage admitted he can not stay vigilant 24/7, he had no doubt that there are many Daily Mail readers qualified to take a shift. By March 2014, a new programme of random selection will be fully operational, which will involve a ‘single door with an awkward handle’.