The Truth about Goats
Despite figures released by the Scottish National Party (SNP) showing that 100% of all registered voters had selected Independence, Scottish people were surprised to awaken on Friday to the status quo of the Union. In a somewhat confused state, the bleary-eyed electorate wondered where was ‘the pony’ that Alex Salmond had guaranteed them? There also seemed to be an absence of the promised ‘free money’, ‘iPhone6’ and ‘…shiny, manageable hair’.
Many elderly Scots threw their support behind the SNP, fearful of the NHS being sold off to pay for ‘…swimming pools for the English’. However one pensioner expressed incredulity that this post-election dystopian nightmare had not occurred: ‘You don’t think Mr. Salmond lied to us? I could have sworn that he said Independence was a done deal. He made so many promises. So many, many promises. He promised me nectar of the Gods, 100 Nectar points, even a nectarine – which I think is some kind plum that fancy folk in Edinburgh eat’.
SNP officials, flummoxed by the election result, have suggested that ‘Sasanach Ninjas’ had snuck over the border to stuff ballot boxes. However one voter explained: ‘Entering the poll booth I was suddenly hit by a moment of clarity. I decided to base my vote on three hundred years of shared culture, ideals and history – rather than the films of, notorious racist, Mel Gibson. Instead of re-enacting the Battle of Bannockburn, I suddenly realised I was a nurse from Clyde, whose wife was English and father-in-law was Welsh. The moment that Mr. Salmond said that TV would get better under Independence, I knew he was lying’.
For many, the dream of Shangri-La was as ephemeral as a gossamer winged fairy from Dundee. One wistful Scot said: ‘It was fun while it lasted but Alex’s Castles in the Air, turned out to be just medieval ruins in Ayrshire. Just for a while I imagined myself an oil tycoon with all the shortbread I could eat. Trouble is, I don’t like shortbread. Nobody does. It’s just a national stereo-type. Like haggis. Or liking tennis. No self-respecting Scot would’.