The Truth about Goats
Regulated rail prices are set to increase by 3.5% by 2015 in order to subsidize a fleet of inter-city perverts. With sex offences already risen by 21%, Britain’s National Rail network is hoping to provide extra seating next to ‘men concealing erections’, more leg room for ‘unwanted fondling’ and ‘…first class deviants for the discerning business commuter’.
The coalition government was quick to emphasise how increasing ticket prices represented value for money. A transport spokesman explained: ‘Only the private sector can offer year on year fare hikes, while guaranteeing an unpleasant sexual encounter that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Oh… and you get a free newspaper!’ Rail Minister, Claire Perry, pledged ‘better passenger experiences…’ if what you are looking for is a man smelling of cheese starring at you for two hours.
Ministers argued that under a nationalised system, Britain’s unwanted weirdos ‘…fell into a state of disrepair’. Some claim militant unions siphoned off public funds that were meant to ensure that the nation’s debauchees stretched from john o’groats to ‘the nearest municipal urinal’. While others argue that the ‘Beeching Report’ (fifty years ago) was in error closing a third of the countries sex offenders, including 2,363 under-used ‘local fetishists’.
Meanwhile Britain’s new high speed rail network north from Birmingham to Manchester and Leeds, promises ’21st century sexual predators’ with a range of ‘…charming regional accents’. A spokeswoman for Passenger Focus, which represents rail users, said: ‘Yes, an inflation-busting 20% fare rise is a lot, but rail journeys have never been so exhilarating. Running up and down carriages, calling for help from staff that no longer exist and if I’m really lucky I get spend my evening being interviewed by the Transport Police. Who needs a car, huh?’