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US stops washing its hands‏

Friends of the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention, in Georgia, have started to take note of a recent decline in personal hygiene and a tendency ‘…to leave broken test tubes’ all over work surfaces. Matters have reached such a crisis point, that lab technicians have been spotted indolently picking their nose ‘with swabs’, ‘licking’ petri dishes and covering samples of smallpox ‘in dandruff’.

Would you drink out of this?

Would you drink out of this?

Having already exposed workers to anthrax and having lost a deadly flu virus in the mail, it is starting to look like American scientists have ceased all personal grooming. Many attribute this change in attitude to the onset of depression. Even the Statue of Liberty has been spotted scratching her ‘lady parts’ without the recourse to surgical hand gel.

Wiping their hands on their trousers after bathroom breaks, the majority of Centre employees seem oblivious to the botulism microbes living in their greasy hair. One technician admitted: ‘I haven’t seen a toothbrush in weeks. What’s the point? I feel more natural this way. Hmmm? The large weeping sore on my forehead? Oh that. Yeah, I don’t know what that came from. I probably should stop scratching that with this rusty spatula’.

Officials from the National Institutes of Health have recommended that raising self esteem among technicians may stop them ‘…storing human waste in evaporating dishes’. Unshowered and reeky, one scientist defended his decision to keep dangerous pathogens about his person: ‘Bacteria may be small, but at least it stays with you. Not like Julie. She doesn’t answer my texts. When she walked out, I just stopped making an effort. Biosafety is meaningless if you don’t have someone to hold. Julie. Juuuuulie! I miss you. I’m sorry I left nail clippings in the salad bowl.’


by @Wrenfoe


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