The Truth about Goats
Advertsing experts and medical professionals are now at loggerheads over the division of adjectives to describe unpleasant illnesses versus moreish wheat-based meals. Some members of the public have been duped by the promise of ‘irrestible flakes’, only to catch themselves choking on the remains of ‘a nasty case of psoriasis’. Likewise a ‘nut cluster’ may be a cause celebration at breakfast but a concern during a prostate examination.
However, it not just the cereal industry that has suffered; operating theatres have been inundated with gall-bladder patients demanding the ‘free-toy’ trapped inside them. In turn, doctors have been criticised for using unhelpful terms like ‘scrumptious’ appendicitis, ‘delectable’ in-growing toenail and ‘chocolate–tee’ rectal probe. One practitioner was struck off by referring to a burns victim as ‘a toasted oat… irresistibly golden’.
We spoke to one marketing specialist, who mused: ‘It’s becoming harder to distinguish between a medical diagnosis and cereal. The only difference between Bannana Nut Cheerios and cancer, is that one is an ominously unwanted malignant mass and the other is cancer’. Indeed, inebriated student from London attested to having spent the night feasting on a ‘chewy cereal bars’ only to have discover he had gnawed off his own toes.
Gushing descriptions of modified cereal grains now blur lines with your ‘Gran’s delicious lumbago’. The confusion has got so pronounced that ‘bite-size growths’ have become acceptable provided they are sugar-coated. Playful adjectives are now suppressing our natural instinct to seek medical help. Injured athletes ignore ‘crunchy’ cartilage muscle, ‘colourful’ melanomas sound like fun and nobody minds having piles proved they are referred to as ‘juicy arse-raisins’.