The Truth about Goats
Seen shuffling around Holyrood, in nothing but a tiara and towelling dressing gown, Mr. Salmond has appeared oblivious to the democratic will of the Scottish people. Speaking to reporters the First Minister has claimed that 1,539,920 had voted for his leadership of an Independent Scotland and that another 1,914,187 votes had been spoilt by ‘…putting the cross in the wrong box’.
Insisting that he is now formally addressed as ‘His Imperial Majesty, Crown Prince of Aberdeenshire East’, Mr. Salmond went on to thank supporters for their efforts. To a stunned room of Nationalists, he gave what seemed to be a victory speech. Slack jawed, bewildered and silent – the crowd watched as Mr. Salmond gave an impromptu lap of honour, high-fiving party balloons and shouting ‘Who’s the Daddy?’
Friends of the politician confirmed that this is not the first time he has been in denial and referred to the time he insisted that SuBo had beaten dance troupe Diversity. So strong was his delusion that he claimed that his Deputy, Nicola Sturgeon, was the triumphant crooner herself – insisting she sing ‘I Dreamed a Dream’ at the beginning of each Cabinet meeting.
This current relapse is made all the more worrying as, rather than cooperating with Britain’s political parties to create a federal constitution, Mr. Salmond was seen trying to stencil his face onto every five pound note he could lay his hands on. Many questioned his choice to be joined on stage by a Native American rights activist and a weeping Gwyneth Paltrow. Clutching a gold statuette to his chest, Mr. Salmond gushed that he would like to thank his ‘agent’, the ‘members of the academy’ and he ‘…couldn’t wait’ to see Alastair Darling’s head on a spike outside his new Balmoral residence.