The Truth about Goats
Strapped to the undercarriage of NASA’s latest satellite – and buoyed by his euphoric proposal to increase the minimum wage and the child benefit cap – the Labour leader was seen floating 54.6 million kilometres above the Earth. Unable to contain his excitement, Mr. Miliband’s conviction that he will be the next Prime Minister has generated enough gaseous propellant to launch himself and the Maven satellite beyond the realms of time, space and plausibility.
Serenely drifting away, Mr. Miliband has set aside ‘Earthly concerns’; such as ‘a lack of Labour MPs’, all the strategic brilliance of ‘a lobster in a pot’ and ‘…a face only Nick Park could love’. Our astronomy expert confirmed: ‘From his Mars obit, Westminster will only appear as an infinitesimal spec to Mr. Miliband. Which is ironically proportional to his election chances, if he continues to d@ck around’.
Many have been disappointed by his utter failure to criticise the Coalition; who have modelled their brand of Government on the Apollo 13 mission – as most likely to burn up on re-entry. One Labour supporter commented: ‘Ed is convinced he’s going to win, yet his grip of reality – and now gravity – is starting to lessen. He thinks a few headline policies can make us forget the pig’s ear he’s been making of being an Opposition Leader’.
Studying the Red Planet may be the closest Mr. Miliband gets to an actual Socialist agenda. Ironically Mars’ toxic atmosphere is not dissimilar to a Christmas with the Milibands, since Ed beat David for the leadership of the Labour Party. In fact some of the Maven satelites’s instruments will concentrate on the Sun’s influence, or more specifically ‘…how Mr Miliband plans to suck up to the Murdoch press’. Meanwhile NASA scientists are particularly keen to assess the relationship between energy and matter; does the electorate have the energy to vote for Mr. Miliband and does it matter?