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New tech allows ‘blood sucking bankers’ to upgrade from metaphor to fact

Barclays’ business customers will now be able to log on by scanning the unique pattern of their veins; or as one banker described it as ‘…the fast track to their life essence’. Slumbering in their coffins by day, Barclays’ employees will now visit savers in their homes at twilight but only if the customer has signed a waver ‘inviting them in’, ‘banning the use of garlic’ and to avoid all reference to ‘PPIs’.

Banking kit

Banking kit

The new finger scanner is expected to speed up internet banking and supersede the inefficient ‘neck/fang interface’ that had been in use since the 1800s. By using biometric information, Barclays hopes to reduce the risk of fraudsters and confrontations with anyone called ‘Van Helsing’. Meanwhile the Bank of England has said it will underwrite any ‘feasting on the living’, ‘pacts with the Devil’ but draws the line at ‘…helping out the Co-Op’.
Known as ‘vrykolakas’ in Greece, ‘strigoi’ in Romania or ‘investment analysts’ in London, these bankers are said to be ‘salivating’ over this new ‘finger vein’ technology. One banker commented: ‘It’s a new way of accessing bank accounts, while sating our ungodly lust for blood. It’s a synergy between modern technologies and the needs of a leech. This should enable us to avoid various financial regulations – like gold fixing, undeclared stock trades and the body’s process of decomposition after death’.
A banking representative, or ‘thrall’ as he preferred to be known, explained that any rumours of fluids or assets being drained were complete fabrications. One gaunt and pale individual explained: ‘We will be offering a unique range of services including home insurance, low interest mortgages and porphyria. But I admit, profit margins are a factor in customer relations. We have a commitment to our stakeholders. Get it? Stakeholders? Stake? Oh, suit yourself’.

by @Wrenfoe

One comment on “New tech allows ‘blood sucking bankers’ to upgrade from metaphor to fact

  1. James Patrick Casey
    October 13, 2014

    Reblogged this on James Patrick Casey and commented:


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This entry was posted on October 13, 2014 by in UK Business and tagged , , , , , , , .

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