The Truth about Goats
While nutritionists ponder the direct link between skirt size and breast cancer risk; BBC executives have discovered that there is a direct correlation between hem line and the groping machinations of their former employee. In fact scientists are convinced that ‘Unwelcome Dave Lee Travis Syndrome’ is also caused by chest size, gender and ‘…just being in the vicinity of a hairy octopus’.
Women have been warned that shortening skirts or ‘simply turning up to work’ can provoke an assault by a host of personalities from the BBC’s Light Entertainment division. An attack of the DLTs can come at any time; with most women are being advised to stay locked in a darkened room, avoiding any career in the Media industry. One retired TV presenter explained: ‘Look, if they didn’t want to be touched, why get a job? Why do they wear those…what d’ya call them? Those thingymajigs…clothes! Yes, that’s it – clothes. All sexy like. They’re a tease – a tease I tell you!’
A Southwark Crown Court jury rejected the defending lawyer’s argument that skirt length was a mitigating circumstance or the suggestion that women ‘wearing less clothes’ would help Mr Travis’ condition. One unnamed female broadcaster said: ‘What’s the point of keeping to a healthy weight and dress size, if creepy DJs are going to take it as an invitation to have a grope? The length of my skirt or cleavage is not semaphore for perverts’.
A spokeswoman for Jenny Hopkins, deputy chief crown prosecutor for the CPS in London, read out a prepared statement: ‘The DLTs is a deeply invasive experience. Obviously men never have to suffer like this in the work place. Admittedly dressing like hirsute freak with a pituitary gland disorder might have something to do with it. My advice to women, to avoid unwelcome sexual attention from a Radio 1 DJ – is dress like a Radio 1 DJ’.