The Truth about Goats
Imminent industrial action, for the first time in their history, has resulted in The Royal College of Midwives warning expectant parents to avoid primrose oil, spicy foods and ‘…the sensation of gushing water down your leg’. All partners of pregnant patients have been told to expect four-hours of additional hand squeezing and verbal abuse, while the strike continues.
Although it has been over 30 years since general NHS staff have gone on strike over pay, emergency services should remain unaffected. One Doctor assured the public: ‘For most patients it will be business as usual. All we ask, is for anyone with the Ebola the virus to calmly wait to be seen. Just take a ticket and sit in the waiting room…just not too close to anyone’.
Naturally MPs, having received a 10% wage hike, were quick to point out how greedy midwives are asking for a 1% increase. A spokesman for the Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt, said: ‘I can’t see what all the fuss is about – anyone can be a midwife. Pulling a human being out of another human being – where’s the skill in that? Now, if it is was a rabbit or a bunch of flowers – that would be real magic! Getting a baby to pop out, is just letting gravity happen’.
For those women who have a small person tunnelling their way out of them, as if their uterus was Colditz, many may feel that Ministers have not fully grasped the urgency of the situation. One screaming mother-to-be said, between contractions: ‘Another four hours? You’ve got to be joking! You try squeezing a melon out of your Jeremy Hunt!’