The Truth about Goats
Much of the nation’s bed wetting can now be attributed to the steely glare of the ex-midfielder, scourge of the razor and failed Boyzone auditionee – Mr Roy Keane. Coupled with the fear generated by his latest autobiography, Mr Keane is also the recent recipient of the ‘Scary Bearded Fundamentalist of the Year’ award; beating entries from the Taliban and an unwaxed Mariah Carey.
Born in a suburb of Cork, the young Roy was driven into the sea by terrified locals, calling upon the power of St. Patrick. Since then he has pillaged Scottish and English football pitches spreading fear and a great deal of unwanted hair in Away dressing rooms. Most Premiership footballers say Mr. Keane is the main cause of cold sweats, insomnia and studded imprints on their shins.
Now working as assistant manager for the Republic of Ireland and Aston Villa, the brooding Mr. Keane is renowned for his strict training regime and ‘scaring the bejesus’ out of Paul Lambert. Animals and small children have been known to whimper uncontrollably in his presence; while in 2001 a team of surgeons laboured three days to remove Mr. Keane’s boot from the interior of Alf-Inge Håland.
The withering look of disapproval that Mr. Keane inflicts on an unsuspecting public has been likened to the Medusa’s stare or ‘…the kind of look a Headmaster would give you, if you shat on his desk’. While Mr. Keane does hold the record for 13 career red cards, his agent scotched rumours that he had once punched a Nun in the face as she ate a prawn sandwiches.