The Truth about Goats
Scriptwriter Hamish McColl has been told that he needs to ‘reboot’ his big-screen remake of the 70’s sitcom, in a way that reflects the perils of modern warfare. To this end, Captain Mainwaring and his merry band of aged warriors will not only have to contend with the threat of Nazi invasion, but will be involved in storylines of related to international terrorism, defense spending cuts and a pandemic of hemorrhagic fever – when clearly ‘…they don’t like it up em”.
Set in the fictional seaside town of Walmington-on-Sea, these part-time soldiers will have to contend with the fact that the UK now has only a third of the Army Reservists it needs. Yet despite this Hollywood makeover, ‘Dad’s Army’ will still retain its signature tune: ‘Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Assad/Hussain/BinLaden/Oh…whoever you are…basically, anyone in the vicinity of oil – with an accent’.
Leaked scenes include Toby Jones, as Mainwaring, yelling ‘You stupid boy!’ as Private Frank Pike inadvertently unleashes a drone strike on a group of unsuspecting goat herders. Bill Paterson, as Private Frazer, is heard to reply ‘We’re doomed’ in response to the threat of weapons of mass destruction; which as a phrase was made famous by another ‘lying Scot’ – a Mr Tony Blair in 2002.
Other key changes include Corporal Jones’ catchphrase of ‘Don’t Panic’; which has been replaced with a less pithy 25 page UN declaration. How these elderly soldiers will actually deal with being air dropped into Sierra Leone to help fight the Ebola outbreak is unclear. However, what is sure is that slapstick, class humour and jokes about Germans have just as much chance as achieving world peace as the UK’s current defense policy…of slapstick, class humour and jokes about Germans.