The Truth about Goats
Cheryl José de la Concordia García Márquez Ann Fernandez-Versini, or ‘Coley’ for short, has been identified as the UK’s ‘most dangerous online celebrity’. Not only do internet searches for the X Factor judge lead to malicious websites, but she has been known to ‘caterwaul’ her songs via PC speakers, ‘brandish’ a Stanley knife on the monitor and ‘clog up’ your keyboard by spilling Newcastle Brown Ale.
Unsuspecting internet users have been warned not to speak her name for fear that she will appear behind them, armed with a hook and covered in bees. For those particularly at risk to aural abuse, ‘Cheryl Cole Singing’ and ‘Cole’s Greatest Hits’ are some of the riskiest hyperlinks links on the web. According to McAfee, 15% of search results related to ‘Cheryl’ will result in electrical shocks, a deep sense of foreboding and ‘…naked selfies of Louis Walsh’.
Many claim that the threat of Cheryl Cole is just a scary urban myth, but those who have heard her recent single ‘I don’t care’ beg to differ. Even hackers, who use celebrity names to hook online users, have admitted to a fear of anything connected with the Geordie crooner. One cyber-criminal confessed: ‘I’m not adverse to using the naked parts of Jennifer Lawrence and Tory MP’s to steal data; but I draw the line at exposing people to Girls Aloud’s back catalogue’.
Having once been convicted of actual bodily harm in 2003, Cheryl has continued to assault our ears ever since. One IT expert confirmed: ‘The two most common causes of people having to reset their passwords are…one, having purchased a dodgy copy of Windows 10 from a guy down the pub…and two, Cheryl Cole trying to remember her entire new surname when logging into her online bank’.